I looked at the clouds, they were so white.
I looked at the sea, it was so clear.
I looked at the sand, it was like gold.
I looked at the tree, and it was dead.
I looked at the mountains, and they were magnificent.
I looked at my face, and I saw…nothing.
I had the feeling that something was wrong, I looked at this place, and I knew it was beautiful, but I could not feel anything, I could not taste the sweet perfection that was all over the place. While I am sleeping, I’m dreaming of those perfect days when I was with him, I remember his eyes, his beautiful dark blue eyes, shining in the abyss like two stars, so perfect, so blue, so mine... He looked at me, kissed me, hugged me, loved me and adored me… but then when everything was so great… I find myself again lying alone just to realize it was all a dream while 5 small tears fall into the water. The wind whispers me something, it’s the truth, a truth I am not prepared to face, a truth I don’t want to face… “He is not with you anymore, you are alone… you are alone” He says. My soul screams “I do not want to be alone, I am scared, don’t leave me, I love you”, but I cannot think of anything else than death, cold and loneness. I am so scared.
Suddenly, the fierce wind stopped, leaving a sweet memory. I felt different, in that moment I wasn’t sad, I was remembering those perfect days, and his eyes, oh, his perfect blue eyes, just looked at me, in that moment I was the only girl in the universe, I was the prettiest, I was his soul mate and he was mine. Oh, he did love me, he adored me, there was nothing that could split us apart, what we felt was like blood, passionate and warm. And then, I come back to the present, everything was gone, my memory, my happiness, everything. He left me and I am alone once more.
I felt the wind, I was dreaming again, I opened my eyes and saw… I saw the sunset, so beautiful, so perfect, and so peaceful. How can I be so anxious when everything is so calm? Why I cannot enjoy this place like I did before? I remember the beauty, I remember the sweet scent on my skin, I remember the happiness that this place once brought to me and certainly, I remember him, and still, I don’t have any good memories, just memories of pain and darkness.
This is the very same place, the same tree, the same sand, the same sunset, just 5 years later, and with one person instead of two. Oh!, I remember everything like it all happened yesterday, the sunset was made of our love; the joy seemed to last forever. All happened too fast for me to taste it, and suddenly, my dear lover was gone. As the same way he came to me, he run away, don’t looking back. Yes, I lost him, I lost his heart by losing my soul. I lose my soul by losing his heart.
I see this magnificent sunset, but I cannot be part of this beauty, I don’t see hope anywhere. I am a stranger to the universe, I no longer know what beauty is, I am not the same person. I feel my breathing fierce, my mind is in darkness, the sunset frightens me, I don’t want to be alone, but I am alone. I have no escape.
I close my eyes and wonder, what is he doing now? Is he happy?. Oh!, his eyes, his lips against mine, his arms all around me, just loving me, kissing me, making love to me, his breath in my lungs and his heart beating with mine as one. I don’t want to open my eyes ever again, I want to stay here forever, I want to keep lying in the sand, I want to be part of the sea, part of this peace. Right here and right now everything is like it suppose to be. I embrace my loneness, I keep my stone heart.
All I want to do now is to be with him, to look at him, to see him smile at me with that sweet smile that I love, to be one again. I cannot resist his smile, I cannot resist him, he is perfect, maybe too perfect. The strange wind blow again, and with 5 more tear, I forgot his touch, his presence, his existence.
I just look to the sky, so beautiful, so peaceful, and I was sure that this was beautiful from the eyes of others, but for me… it was empty. But then, I saw a light so bright that I thought for a moment that I was blind, but this light was so far away, I wanted to touch it, but I could not reach it. “I can´t reach it!... I can´t reach it!” I cried. I understood that I was looking inside my soul and that that light was hope, that if I touch it I could be happy once more, but I was trap by my own thought, I could not reach it, I stood up and try to reach that light that was over the sea. It took me no more that 3 seconds to realize that I did not want to be happy, I did not deserve to be happy. I did not even realize I have closed my eyes.
Everything was like it was supposed to be, I want to lay right here forever and think of him, think that he is with me, my life is meaningless without him. I stood up, one last time, I see, with these broken eyes the white sunset, the blue sea, the big mountains, the soft gold sand and my dearest tree, where I lay down with my love 5 years ago. Everything was silent, everything was in peace. I am anxious, scared, I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to take the peace from this place, I don’t want to be the stranger any more. “I won´t” I said to the wind.
I lay down one last time, hoping that this sand, Oh! This gold sand, washed me and make me part of this place, where I can be peaceful. I looked at the sea, one last time, wondering what my life could have been with him. I looked the tree, my tree, one last time, and I remember what my life has been with him, that life that now was gone, I was like that tree…I was dead.
I remember how the sky, with their blue, green and yellow colors overwhelm us. Everything was right back then. The sea seemed so far away, was like a platonic love and the perfection in it because you never reach it, it is so…magical. I missed him, I missed his skin against mine, I missed his eyes, I missed to be adored and loved. I miss my friend, my life, my soul, my love.
I left him, I could not resign to my loneness, I was a prisoner of the loneness and I embrace it. I hope he will ever forgive me, he knows I love him, I always loved him and I always will. The saddest thing of all, it is that I was the one to say him no. “Goodbye, my love” I thought.
Now I am ready to die, here and alone. I want to be a part of this place, I took the sand and cover my heart with it, I closed my eyes, and he was kissing me and then… the water took me into the sea, and when I was 5 centimeters of the bottom of the sea I opened my eyes and saw the light of hope now all over me, taking me, embracing me. It was then when I understood that I was with my love and he kissed me making me smile… And then, with that memory, I explode into a million pieces, becoming part of this magnificent landscape. The last thing I heard is the light of hope talking to me, whispering, whispering… “Goodbye”.
